The Mechanic

my feeble Homunculus
red Jew
the top of your hat
is carved out
to fit a small light
I have called you brutal names
my albatross
looking back I see the film
loosely lifted
peering
outwardly your small eyes
in contrast my
hand
raising
to the space between us
as uncertain as dice
you remain
I am not a graduate
nothing on white to
tell that I am licensed
I am a mechanic
like him
rewiring myself, instead
always battling the
electrical currents
always zapping my fingers

Sunshine- Todd Snider- on a Suicide Attempt

 

Standing on out on the

Edge of the building

Watching the traffic below

Drinking a beer and thinking of jumping

Not far from ready to go

Below me the crowd

Slowing gathers around

Cops cars with news cameras too

I just can’t get out of this pain I’m in

And I don’t know what else to do

Sometimes i feel like

I’m so uninvited

Like something so out of touch

They tell me depression

Runs in the family

Well, that doesn’t help me much

The crowds yelling “jump”

Over a cop on a bullhorn

Making them harder to hear

He’s saying something about

Having so much to live for

I’m almost threw with my beer

(Whistling)

Squinting my eyes to

See through the sunlight

The crows even bigger now

There’s no point in wondering

What afterlife’s like

It don’t matter anyhow

We’re already in hell

As far as I can tell

Just listen to these people scream

This feels like a rally

In a high school field house

I feel like the captain of the team

Well, here goes the captain of the team…

(Whistling)

Follow the light to the Garden of Eden

You stand at the pearly gates

Saint Peter comes over

His hand on my shoulder

He’s telling me I got away

He says, “You know you can’t kill yourself

And still get in here kid. But you look like

A victim of circumstance

So I’m just gonna break every bone in your

Body and give you another chance”

Waking up slowly

Looking around me, alone in a recovery room

But closing my eyes

I can see the new sunrise

Over acres of flowers in bloom

I don’t know when it will be

But the next time you see me

I’ll be tapping to a whole new beat

Walking souls in to the holes of my shoes

Down the sunny side of the street

Sunshine…

(Whistling)

Losing Ulla

Tears pushing through…

I miss you, Ulla. I miss you. Even though I’ve never met you in person, I’ve never even heard your voice, you were there for me 2 years ago when I needed support. You helped guide me and shared my dark humour.

You are loved.

Birth of a New Brain

20150518_065519

Ulla’s dog Solo

Ulla. Where do I begin?

When I told someone yesterday my friend died by suicide, adding that we never met face-to-face, I sensed that she didn’t understand the power of a virtual friendship.

Of course that’s not her fault – if you haven’t experienced being friends with an online “kindred spirit”, it’s hard to relate to the idea. But I was frustrated all the same because it was a genuine friendship.

How I hate writing that word “was”.

Ulla was a better friend to me than most of the friends I’ve ever had; hell, she was there for me during some of my toughest times far more than some of my relatives.

Oh Ulla.

She supported my writing, and — this was big– she helped me grieve my father’s death. She truly understood what it was like to lose a parent since she had been through it too.

She sent me…

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Girlfriend Sweater

what it feels like:

thieving, merciless.

black bitch grasping for
both my calves.
stomach bile bubbling in the
cauldron, spitting up vodka
and half-digested pills.

this is the thrill?
I was walking on two feet twelve
hours ago, laughing and absorbing
September sun on my face.
now I am crawling like
a veteran.

this place no longer welcomes me
with open arms
instead
she cracks her jawbone in my eyes.

tottering on a child’s set
of bipolar la-lee-da.

I bet if you were to crack open
my egg-y brain you’d see the
walnut fissures my father gave to me.
folding up like a shoebox

I’m wondering if the man’s hum
is a television commercial or if I’m
just
that
tired.

sequels.

part II.

hey, I’m not dying, okay?
my fucking brain is sizzling
but I still feel like clutching on to you
and kissing you
and loving you.
this part isn’t going to last.
it’s a fucked-up thread
hanging out from my sweater sleeve,
but
I’m not going
to let the whole sweater unravel.
(not this time, I’m done doing that)

this is the sweater you helped me knit.

it gets cold in October.
I won’t
let
it
unravel.

I have to keep you warm, too.
come here.

Loving Blahpolar

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I am speechless.

We have lost a wonderful human being- an amazing writer, mental health advocate, and friend.

Blahpolar, my heart is heavy with the news. You and I had just exchanged email letters a few weeks ago. You cared. You inspired me to be a better writer, to push the envelope. You told me to hold my head high and to “fuck all the asshats” in my way. When I went absent from my daily blogging, you personally wrote me to ensure I was safe. My friend, a world away, though I didn’t even know your last name, I learned about YOU.

*lights cigarette and sits next to you*

 

 

Join us in honoring our friend on National Suicide Prevention Day

https://myspanglishfamilia.wordpress.com/2016/09/06/an-invitation-join-me-on-sept-10th-to-honour-blahpolars-death/

In Remission

I have been embarking on very unsettling territory recently; stability. Perhaps, dare I say it, even happiness?

Over the past couple of months, my mental health has been on a steady incline. The voices have ceased, compulsions have stopped, self-harm tendencies have vanished, and insomnia has been replaced with a regular sleep cycle. It dawned on me this morning during meditation that depression is no longer my safe place. While I acknowledge that this is a GOOD thing, it is still slightly unsettling. For as long as I can remember, depression has been my go-to. It’s easier to curl up into a ball, self-medicate and flirt with suicide. However, now I find it increasingly more difficult to allow myself to succumb to it. Sure, I still feel depressed from time to time. I give myself room and space to cry. Then, I get back up, walk my dog, watch a funny YouTube video and move on. I find it irresponsible to get drunk now. I’m not interested in putting myself in harmful situations. Happiness and self-integrity has become the new go-to.

Moreover, I’m not fragmented. This is me now, in my entirety.

There was a shift weeks ago. I had taken ecstasy with my girlfriend. (I am not condoning drug use.) I respond well with natural remedies, including psychedelics. During this particular experience, I felt a lot of my superficial worries fall away as the maternal spirit of the universe visited me and assured me to begin trusting myself and also start loving myself. She told me it’s now time to start shedding childhood pain. She assured me she would stay with me through the healing process. Sure enough, since then, life has been getting better. I found my way back to nature and she has kept her word.

I know, it’s a little esoteric and perhaps absurd. But I find a lot of truth behind the divine and feminine energy.

Anyways, my point is I’m getting better and I feel better about myself and the situations surrounding me. I’ve been working hard on myself and my relationships. I’ve especially been focusing on trying to let go of unhealthy thinking patterns. Anything that has been weighing on my heart and soul, I’m trying so hard to let go of. The common lesson here:

Let go.

For example, I noticed I had a lot of illogical worries and controlling thoughts in my romantic relationship. And it’s not just with my girlfriend; these are patterns I’ve carried from my very first relationship. They stem from childhood abandonment, I’m sure. I have trouble letting go. How? I’ve worked so hard in my life to keep people from leaving. I’ve become a master of tethering my loved ones because “everyone leaves.” I want so badly to be loved, so badly to be wanted that no matter what love anyone has ever shown me, it’s never been enough. And that’s not fair.

I’ve been letting go of selfishness. It’s difficult. I want to say that I don’t want to be selfish. I genuinely care for others. Again, this is another survival tactic from my youth. I NEEDED to be selfish in order to make it. In my adolescence, it became a part of me. Now, as an adult and as a woman who wants to care for others and do good in the world, I am making a conscious effort to reject my previous ideas that the world revolves around me. I am not better than anyone else, yet at the same time, no one is better than me.

I’m letting go of control, in the healthiest way. I’m trusting my intuition, trusting the universe a little bit more. Everything will be okay.

I love me.

My girlfriend loves me.

My friends love me.

My dog loves me.

And despite the grudges I hold, my family loves me.

Ugh, what do I do with all this positivity?